thisnthat

Fridays used to be a day for Link Love around these parts, and you know what? Me likey. So, some of these blogs are new, some are just new to me, all of them are pretty cool, so if you don’t know about them already go have a looksee. K?

JewliaGoulia is a brand spanking new blog, and this girl? Well, she can tell a TMI story with the best of them. Plus, she named her exercise ball Lucille, and I think that's funny.

The Insatiable Host is new to me, and I think this chick is rad. And when she vlogs you get to hear her adorable Canadian accent. Also, if you don't already know this, she's got a cool thing going on called It's a Panty Pyramid, and I'm totally in. You should be, too. Check out both of those sites and try not to adore her. It won't work, believe me.

On that note, I am hoping you are all aware of The Bloggerhood of the Traveling Not So Fat Pants. Get in on that action! Let's have pants being mailed all over the place! I mean, as much as The Ex Hot Girl and I love making movies together, we are more than happy to share the spotlight from time to time.

MizFit is somebody you all hopefully know, and if you don't, educate. But here's what you might not know yet: She is leading the Christmas Eve Talent Show. Yep, you heard me. Talent show. On your very own blog on Christmas Eve, showcase for your readers a hidden talent that we don't yet know about. Write it, read it, film it, play it, whatever - there are no real rules here - and post it before the fat man comes! (and look for the beautiful Miz in the January issue of Fitness Magazine, on newsstands today I think. Wink)

Okay, that's a good start for today. Have a great weekend, everybody!

because I still owe you a bodily function

So, you may remember the story I began telling a while back, the one about 3 bodily functions and an engagement ring? Well, as long as we’re capping off 2009, I suppose it’s time to give you the last installment.

If you’re new to this rag, I’ll recap. The story began with a night out drinking with the girls, cheap beer, natch, followed by a closing time run for the border. And when I’d made it through the hangover of the following day, and was ready to see my hotass Trophy Boyfriend, lo and behold I crapped my pants. While he looked on.

I then had no choice but to fess up.

And after I tried to put what teeny bit of smashed dignity I had back together, I peed on him.

(For those of you playing along, that would cover bodily functions One and Two.)

We resume our story just after I became fully awake, nudie-spooning and mid-tinkle, listening intently to Trophy Boyfriend’s breathing to determine if he was still asleep.

Unfortunately, he was not. So, there was no slipping quietly out of bed to go clean myself up and to blame whatever was left behind on him. DRAT.

Where are you going? He asked sleepily, as I was untangling myself from his octopus arms (he was, and remains to be, an all-night snuggler, and I often find myself a smothered and tangled mass of limbs and sheets and blankets).

Bathroom, I whispered back.

And as I slid out of bed, I tried to subtly wipe my hand across the mattress to determine the size of the, ahem, wet spot. But I felt nothing, and wondered for a split second if the tinkle only landed on me.

No such luck. He moved and stretched and then got a quizzical look and lifted the sheet to see what he was feeling. I considered making a break for it out of the nearest (third story) window, but I just had to see. Thankfully it was just a teeny tiny itty bitty little spot. Of pee.

Which he thought was, um, something else.

And I was spared the humiliation of telling him I had just dreamed his lap was a toilet. I considered that to be a very big victory.

I joyfully leapt to the bathroom to (again) clean myself up, slip into my sexy silky bathrobe, and brush away the morning breath. Then I sneezed. So I grabbed a Kleenex and blew my nose, and returned to the bedroom to give Trophy Boyfriend his First Anniversary of the Great Coupling ’98 present, MONSTERS OF ROCK. Because that’s the kind of guy he is. A spandex kind of guy.

I gave him his gift and he opened it and loved it, and leaned over to plant a smooch on me, stopping short to look at my chest. I didn’t really think twice about that, because if there was one thing I had learned thus far about Trophy Boyfriend, it’s that he was fan of the twins.

But this look was different. What’s that on your chest? he asked.

I looked down.

It was a ginormous booger on my chest, that’s what it was. Bodily Function Number Three.

I’ll give you all a moment to let that sink in.

In fewer than 24 hours, I sharted, tinkled on myself, and shot a boog square on to my own chest. All under the adoring eyes of the man with whom I was about to share a very important milestone.

The humiliation was so great that I honesty don’t remember the details of breakfast and showers and getting dressed and hopping in the car, but we headed off on our anniversary journey to a little Canadian B & B, stopping along the way at one of the many beautiful golf courses to hit some balls and hang out. Because that’s the kind of girlfriend I was – the kind that planned golf weekends for her love because it was his favorite. Not the kind that pooped and peed and snotted all over everyone.

The day was kind of quiet, which I interpreted as tense. And I naturally assumed it was because I was no longer a Hot Sex Kitten in his eyes. Not anymore. How could I be after all that? And as the day went on I got a little more mopey and a little more trapped in my head and a little more sure he was just going through the motions, waiting to break it off once we were back home and he was headed back to his place. Because he thought I was gross.

And he did nothing to combat those thoughts because he was silent and fidgety and seemed very far away.

We arrived, checked in, changed clothes, and headed out to dinner at this little place overlooking the water, and quietly drank wine and ate steaks and did I mention it was quiet? Yep. Pin drop quiet. We had nothing to say to each other.

And once or twice during that meal I almost went ahead and did it for him. Broke things off. Because I just couldn’t take the silence any longer, and I really didn’t want to give him the opportunity to actually say the words I can’t be with you anymore because you sharted. I wasn’t sure I’d ever recover if he said them first.

We finished dinner and went outside, and he suggested we walk down around the water. It was a beautiful warm June night, the moon was bright and reflecting off the lake, and we were alone. Perfect breakup spot. So I took a deep breath and readied myself, and turned to face him.

Only, he wasn’t there. At least not at eye level. He was on bended knee, extending the most beautiful princess cut diamond solitaire I had ever seen.

Will you marry me? He asked. (He's got a way with words, that one.)

I said yes. Well, actually I didn’t. I said no. First I said no. And then I asked if he was sure, because I was difficult and a mess and he could certainly do better. And then I cried.

He said I don't want to do better. I want to do you.

And then I said yes.

*the end*

apparently you can teach an old dog new tricks

Listen, I don’t want ya’ll to get all YOU EEEEDIOT on my ass, but do you know what I learned today? There is sodium in diet soda. IN DIET SODA! Mothereff. And I’m a label reader, too, but somehow I missed that. I’ve let a couple of sodas creep back into my diet lately, but tomorrow I will be strong. Diet Pepsi? I said good day!

Okay, and can someone tell me what’s up with the manmade islands of Dubai? I swear to GOD I had no idea. So, picture this: I’m being given a lesson in the one shaped like a palm tree (I bullshit you not!) by a hairdresser, who I am silently judging for being a little whackadoodle, and am later schooled by a seventh grader in the history of these islands, which are sometimes referred to as The 8th Wonder of the World. Who knew?

I guess what I’m trying to say is this. You live and learn. Which is a pretty decent segue into today’s Fatass Blog End of the Year Wrapup post:

The 10 Most Important (to me) Things I Have Learned About Diet/Weightloss/Blogging/Life in 2009.

10: You can take a tablespoon of your favorite creamy salad dressing and mix it with a couple of spoonfuls of cottage cheese and it is delicious on your salad. With the right kitchen tool, you can make “pasta” out of zucchini for a great cold (faux) pasta salad in the summer. And there is no convincing my daughter that real mashed potatoes are made with actual potatoes, not cauliflower.

9: You can put on as much as five pounds of ‘water weight’ for up to a week when you begin a new intense workout program. (And when you aren’t aware of that fact, the weight can make you come absolutely unglued on weigh-in day).

8: The quantity of calories you eat in a day doesn’t always matter as much as the quality.

7: The right playlist can absolutely make or break a workout. ITunes is proof to me that there is a God and he has an awesome IPod. And speaking of IPods, I have discovered a love for all kinds of tech-y things that I didn’t even know existed a few months ago. I have discovered my hotass Blackberry, I can chat and Twitter, and I have a wish list of gadgets (both weight loss and non-weight loss related) that I had no idea I needed, but am now convinced that I do. Apparently I have an inner tech geek just dying to come out. A skinny one, of course.

6: Cute workout clothes can motivate me to actually work out.

5. Losing weight is actually easier than maintaining a loss. So the odds are stacked against us that we will keep our weight off for good. And it explains why very few of us are doing this for the first time.

4: The best way to get through the layer of belly fat in order to find your abs has more to do with cardio and diet than sit ups and side bends. It has absolutely nothing to do with a pill you can buy at Target that will melt it off while you sit on your butt watching Sportcenter.

3. Even so, I am not kidding when I say I hate cardio. I hate it. I hate running, jumping, leaping, kicking, or basically anything non-Business Time related that causes me to break a sweat. And when I do it, it’s not as much for the weight-loss benefits as it is for the anxiety benefits. I lose the shakiness and the worries and the racing thoughts, and am able to stay asleep for longer than 4 hours at a time.

2. I am also not kidding when I say I love strength training. This year I have been introduced to my hammies and my obliques, have learned to love squats and lunges, and I can now do (a few) boy push ups.

1. The major factor that has made this go-round the real deal, allowing me to change my lifestyle to finally get healthy? Blogging. My interactive journal, where I can write away the voices in my head while connecting with amazing people who are doing the same. Blogging has surrounded me with friends at a time when I felt very much alone, a stranger in my new life. Friends as real to me as the ones I see in front of me each day. Relationships with many flavors, some bold and intense and addictive, some mild and relaxed and easy, all of them valuable and meaningful and interesting and important. You have challenged me, accepted me, supported me, comforted me, captivated me, competed with me, drawn me in, pushed me away, given to me and taken from me, and I would love to invite you all over to dinner (a healthy one, natch, but one with wine and vodka and cigars for SURE) and put voices and faces and mannerisms and smiles to the catchy names and inspiring stories I read on your blogs.

I am able to do what I do here because of all of you. Because when I have something raw and honest to put out there, you receive it with kindness and empathy and compassion. Even when I admitted to the whole eating refried beans out of the can. Even then.

Friends, you are. And I’m damn glad to have ya.

So glad, in fact, that I’m going to share a Fatass holiday favorite. Enjoy!

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
A Colbert Christmas: Colbert/Costello Duet
http://www.colbertnation.com/
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor U.S. Speedskating

endoftheyear meme

So, today was weigh-in. And I lost 1.5 pounds. I am not going to post a crying vlog later. I’m happy enough. Happy enough.

Also, an update on yesterday’s NotaResolution:

FD: I saw your video. You’re very brave to put yourself out there like that.
ME: Brave, crazy, tomato, tomahto. But thanks.

Yep. I lasted an entire 14 hours before I broke it. 14. That NotaResolution is going to be a lot harder to live by than I thought. So, Fat Daddy? Let's rewind that conversation to read:

FD: I saw your video. You're very brave to put yourself out there like that.

ME: Thank you.

Okay, continuing along on The Fatass Blog End of the Year Wrapup, a meme. If you’re a regular, you know I love these. I was tagged on FB yesterday, but thought I would post it here as my last official 2009 questionnaire. And if you are so inclined, do it yourself and let me know in the comments. I effing love reading these things.

1. What was the highlight of your week?
Well, it’s only Tuesday. But my WI went well, so that’s a start.

2. When is the next time you will kiss someone?
In about 30 minutes when my son wakes up.

3. Are you good looking?
Stunning. Okay, well maybe not stunning. Cute. And sometimes I feel pretty good. Like I can hold my own, and not look like a total dog around other people who are stunning.

4. Last movie you watched?
Does Merry Christmas Drake and Josh count as a movie?

5. Who were you with?
My boy.

6. When was the last time you had your heart broken?
I am impervious to heartbreak. It's my superpower.

7. Are you happy right now?
I’d be happier if I had a 3rd cup of hot coffee available to me.

8. What did you say last?
It’s okay, don’t worry about it.

9. Describe your eyes?
Brownish green and avoiding contact with yours.

10. What do you dislike currently?
That my lawn is full of dandelions in December. WTF?

11. What are you listening to?
Quiet. And the hum of the fan thingie that my laptop sits on.

12. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
Peace. Not world, though that would be nice. But in my own heart. Peace.

13. What is your favorite scent?
Clean. Clean house, clean laundry, clean out of the shower people. Clean.

14. Who makes you happiest?
Me. It’s my choice. I own it.

15. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping.

16. Do you have any expensive jewelry?
Yes.

17. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for?
Funny, intelligent, ambitious, sexy.

18. Do you have any hidden talents?
Wouldn’t you like to know? (If you DO want to know, tune in on Christmas Eve. MizFit is organizing a group post for anyone out there who wants to join in to reveal just that: A little something that nobody knows about you, and would be kind of shocked to find out. Fun fun!)

19. Dream Job?
Socialite. Okay, socialite and author.

20. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
I have 3 brothers. All older.

21. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
Not anymore. Well, occasionally. Well, no. Well, define spoiled.

22. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
What time is it?

23. Do you drink?
Absolutely.

24. Do you want to be famous one day?
Not necessarily ‘famous’, but I would like to contribute something to the world that is important enough that a few people might know my name.

25. Ever been out of the country?
Yes. Mexico City, Windsor, Ontario and your typical college-grad backpacking trip across Europe with nothing but my Eurorail pass, dogeared Lonely Planet, and a dose of wanderlust.

26. Where were you born?
Flint, MI

27. Who are you thinking about right now?
My thoughts dart around as fast as my eyes. Hard to pin down just one. But my Dad is on my mind quite a bit right now. Quite a bit.

28. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard?
Friday night. And Saturday night.

29. Are your toes always painted?
Yep, usually. Dark blood red right now.

30. Do you like rollercoasters?
I like the idea of them. Then I get talked into going on one and as soon as I get strapped in I begin to panic, and start clawing my way out. So, no.

31. What's the craziest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
Long story.

32. Do you wish you could move?
Um, more than I wish I could move, I wish I could just move on. I don't bounce back the way I used to.

33. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn't have?
Wanted, needed, yearned for, craved, wished for, hoped for, lusted after, and desired you mean? Sure. Who hasn't?

34. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?
Back in time. Or a warm sunny beach. Or both.

35. Are you happy with your life?
Aspects, yes. Others I’m working to improve. Others I’m in denial about. And a few are just the way I want them.

notaresolution, part one

** ‘Tis the season for countdowns, ‘Best Of’ lists, reflection, and resolutions. I have been thinking about how best to wind down 2009 here at the Fatass Blog and get geared up for what I’m sure will be an outstanding 2010, and I suppose now is as good a time as any to join the crowd and do a little countdown-ing, Best Of-ing, reflecting and resolving of my own. So, here’s Installment One of the Fatass Blog End of the Year Wrap-up.

I’m not one to make New Year’s Resolutions. Really, I think they are kind of a cop out. If you are going to set a new goal or make a change, why not just start it when the decision is made? Why not resolve to improve yourself any day of the year?

That said, I’ve got a few new goals I’m setting, and because of the time of year it appears that I’m making New Year’s Resolutions. You’re gonna just have to trust me when I say that I’d be writing this post even if it were Arbor Day that was fast approaching. The timing is just a coinkidink.

Here’s my first NotAResolution:

WHEN I RECEIVE A COMPLIMENT, I WILL JUST SAY THANK YOU.

Now, while I realize a great many of you will say something to the effect of “Big Deal”, or “Your parents will be so relieved you finally learned some manners” let me explain why this is a biggie for me. Usually interactions that involve a compliment to me go a little something like this:

Nice Person: I really liked what you wrote in your post today.
Silly Me: Yeah? You have a thing for pathetic people?

-or-

Nice Person: You look hot in that dress.
Silly Me: You obviously haven’t put in your contacts yet.

-or-

Silly Me: (strutting around my blog in my underwear, then sliding on a smaller size of jeans for the first time in front of all of you)
Nice Person: Brave.
Silly Me: No, not brave, just a certain kind of crazy. Be glad you don’t have it.

-or-

Silly Me: I’m so sorry I bothered you with all of this. You have way more important things to handle than my whining.
Nice Person: Stop apologizing for yourself and let me be friends with you.
Silly Me: (Mouth hanging open, but speechless. Because I can think of nothing snarky to say.)

Yeah. That last one kind of gets me in the heartstrings, too.

But, you’re seeing the pattern, right? And the thing is, when I hear one of my girls doing this I immediately say “Just say Thank You! Just enjoy the compliment!” Because really, a compliment is a gift that the giver chose thoughtfully and for a specific reason, and it is supposed to make the receiver happy.

And the genuine ones? The ones that make your jaw fall open and your heart do a flip flop? Why deprive ourselves of the joy of really hearing and savoring those?

Truth is, gracefully receiving a compliment is an important skill to have. It’s good customer service, if you think about it. If you do it well, it makes the giver feel good too. It goes both ways. And I love it when I can make somebody I care about feel good. There is no greater thing I can do in a day then give a friend a boost. Sometimes it’s by giving, but I have learned in recent days that sometimes it’s by receiving.

I’m a words girl. Words are the best gift someone can give me. Nothing can so positively impact my day than waking up to an unexpected email, having a true, raw, heart-to-heart conversation, or even just finding a quick “I was thinking about you” text on my phone.

And don’t even get me started on what you guys do for me. The support you all give here makes the bleakest days survivable and the fantastic days appear in Technicolor.

I know that when I take the time to put the words together to express something to somebody else, I have an expectation that it will be received as thoughtfully as it was given, not brushed off, deflected, or worse yet, ignored. When that happens it frustrates me or hurts my feelings. Why should I assume that’s any different for anyone else?

I want to be a positive person. I am tired of moody and sad. I am ready for upbeat. I am ready for inspiring. I am ready for beautiful.

So, I can’t promise that this little goal will take away all of my instincts to make the joke about myself before somebody else does, because that is as much a part of me as my birthmark. But I can promise myself that I am going to learn to really hear the positive messages, not just the negative voices.

And I will just say Thank You.

star-crossed pantsers

Jenn, the Ex Hot Girl, and I did it again. There's another Bloggerhood of the Traveling Not So Fat Pants installment for you all to enjoy. And I'm so glad. The mood around here was getting entirely too serious.

Please go watch Star-Crossed Panters, and see why Jenn and I think we are actually one brain separated at birth. And then have a great weekend.

a different kind of exposure

Some of you may be familiar with the EXPOSED movement. If you're not, you can learn about it here. I, too, am throwing my hat in that ring - I mean, far be it from me to ignore an opportunity to show you my undies again - and have created my own EXPOSED post that ya'll will be seeing in the future. But for now, for today, I'm exposing myself in a different way.

Oh, and there's no need to avert your eyes. For this exposure, I remain fully clothed.